Twin Flames and Baby Deer

We may be twin flames she said. I don’t know what that means he said. She sighed and thought about it for a minute and started to explain and then stopped. She was always starting to explain something, realizing that what she knows in her soul sounds bat shit crazy and then stops. So she didn’t tell him that she knew him before she met him — that their souls had played together, courted each other and then waited for just the right moment to begin. She often played with other souls out beyond the veils.

He had waited for her for 6 years according to the blue print — he wanted to be wanted and not needed. He waited for her to put down her walls and open her heart before he could step forward. For her grief to take a pause so she could look around and begin to live again. But he didn’t even know about all that. He just thought he was lucky.

There were so many things she wanted to tell him but didn’t. She wanted to tell him he was wrong about spirit animals — call them whatever you wish but her own sweet baby deer sat on her feet since childhood. Gave her the gift of gentle wisdom and being patient and seeing the details before reacting that she wasn’t born with. She jumped first and asked questions later and baby deer was there to keep her alive. As a child she used to sit in the grass and eat dandelions and think — huh — what if we aren’t really here at all but just the dream of a wonderful Doe sitting in the forest. She is dreaming us. This is just a dream. She didn’t have a forest so she had to dream it.

She felt the weight of the entire world — cried every day for the first 20 years of her life — for Hiroshima, for Anne Frank, for the old drunk on the corner who slept in his own piss — for her own broken and battered heart. She brought half dead birds and mice into the house and nursed them back to health — sometimes they died, and she cried and gave them a proper burial in the backyard with ceremony and flowers and poetry. Sometimes they looked at her with their tender eyes and flew or scampered off to go and fight for another day of living. Her mom was a librarian with no child care so she sat in the musty stacks for days and days and read everything she could get her hands on. She went hungry. She was lonely.

She sat outside late at night and counted the stars. She brought her prism to school — the one that made the homemade camera box — for show and tell. Her crush stole it from her desk and her heart broke into a million pieces. He was in the yard showing it to the other kids. She never saw it again and the camera never worked after that. And she never crushed again in that same way.

She told her mom she was moving out. She was 6 and she and her cousin hatched a plan. Her Mother didn’t miss a beat and said “I will help you pack”. Another piece of her soul slipped from the protective flesh covering and floated into the universe where it waited for 40 years to return. She went to live with her aunt and uncle for 1 year. It was fun there but she was just a visitor — they partied and stayed up late and ate venison and drank sasparillas — but she missed her brother. There is more to this relationship but I don’t want to scare my new lover — I don’t want him to think that my wounds are too vast. To worry about what happens to a child when their mother screams “I wish you were never born”. At my feet sits the baby deer and he looks up at me with those soulful eyes and says — I am so glad you were born. I will never leave you. We chose each other.

So she thinks about her new lover and how it will all work out. She has a dream about a huge scary spider — it’s dead and crunchy — someone says “it’s ok Christie — it’s dead”. And she says BUT IT ALREADY LAYED A THOUSAND LITTLE SPIDER BABIES!!!” Then she looks again and the crunchy dead spider starts crawling away — Its alive!!!!! You idiots it’s alive! She has fears.

And then she thinks about her new lover. Her twin flame. She recognized him the minute she met him — she knows that he is in the blue print. For how long she doesn’t know — she has hopes and fears. She is the Star. She feels seen by him. Baby deer looks up from her lap and she reads his mind — you are worthy of great love. We are so glad you were born.

Peaceful warrior, Death Doula, Spiritual Midwife and single mother of two amazing boys.